Why Having No Self Esteem Has Helped Me Be A Better Mother

Having (or attempting to have) no Self Esteem is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me as a mother. In fact, I am going to teach my kids to have no self esteem, too.

No, this isn’t click bait. But I am going to need you to stick with me here, to make sure we are on the same page. 🙂

I have determined that there are three distinct categories or types of self esteem. They are:

  • High Self Esteem
  • Low Self Esteem
  • No Self Esteem

You may float between one and the other multiple times, even in one day. Everyone has had moments of anger or disapointment with themselves, (low self-esteem) and everyone has had at least one moment in their lives where they thought highly of themselves (high-self esteem).

Having no self esteeem however, is more elusive. In fact, it often isn’t even considered as an option.

But in my opinion, having no self esteem is the most important way to improve one’s self, and it is a vital way to find inner peace.

What is “No Self Esteem?”

As you may have guessed by this point, having no self esteem is not the same thing as having ‘low self esteem’. In fact, having “No Self Esteem” is really not even esteeming yourself at all. That’s kind of the point.

Having no self esteem means that you don’t focus on what you think about yourself. You don’t hold yourself higher than others, and you don’t compare yourself to be worse than others. But even more than that, you don’t even think about what you think about yourself, at all.

When you have no self esteem, you don’t care what other people think of you. You also don’t care what YOU think of you. You only care about what God thinks of you, because He is the only one who can give you a truly accurate picture.

What God Thinks About You

When you get your self-perception from God, you learn several important things. Some of them include:

  • That you are God’s Child
  • That He loves you
  • That He wants you to find true happiness
  • That you have a lot of work to do
  • That you need to stop thinking about yourself so much (it’s all over the Bible!)

As a mother, understanding God’s perspective of you as a mother is even more important. In addition to the points above, you also should know that:

  • You are a steward over His children
  • Motherhood is a sacred duty
  • Training up your children in righteousness is vitally important

Knowing these key elements about the way God views me has changed my life, and changed me as a mother. When I focus on what He thinks and wants for me, I no longer have to listen to what everyone around me seems to think about how I mother.

If I were to focus on having a high, or a ‘good’ self esteem, I would constantly have to try to hold myself in a positive regard. In order to do so, I would need to prove to myself that I was ‘good’, or at least convince myself that I am doing something worth noting.

How could I prove this to myself? Maybe I could train myself to have a high self esteem by writing myself love notes disguised as affirmations. Maybe if I got more ‘likes’ or got a job where people could praise me or promote me, I would feel better about myself.

If I were stuck inside a low self esteem, I’d have a similar problem. I’d put too much stock in what other people seem to think I was failing at. I’d try too hard to meet other people’s ideals. I’d dislike myself because I don’t seem to ‘fit in’ or worse, ‘stand out’. I’d get jealous because of other people’s success.

The problem with self esteem is that there is no measuring stick in the world that can accurately tell you how well you are accomplishing the things you are here to accomplish, and there is no measuring stick in the world that can accurately tell you how close you are to achieving perfection.

Not only that, but if you get caught up into either trap, high or low self esteem, you are failing to realize that BOTH versions of self esteem are types of selfishness. And THAT is the biggest problem with having any type of self esteem: you are too busy thinking about your self.

I have chosen to try to the best of my ability to forget myself, and go to work. And THAT has changed my life as a mother.

Why? Because when I am successfully living a ‘no-esteem-life’ I :

  • No longer compare my parenting to others’ parenting
  • Don’t worry about if I am teaching my children the ‘right things’
  • Am not concerned with maintaining any type of public image
  • Am not embarrassed to have a large family
  • Don’t care if I have a Pinterest house or fancy clothes (This is an incredibly hard one for me!)
  • No longer feel burdened by depression or self doubt
  • No longer worry about if my children were ‘sent to the right mom’
  • Don’t have to worry about the pains and struggles of this life, because they are fleeting, temporary, and for my good.

In addition to of all those things, I also:

  • Have a very clear path of how I should parent
  • Know exactly who I am trying to please (It’s God)
  • Know what things are most important to teach my children
  • Am able to forget myself and serve
  • Am able to have faith that God will meet my own needs, while I am busy meeting the needs of others
  • Have a stable and clear measuring stick that tells me exactly what I need to change in my life, and allows me to precisely determine whether or not I am being a ‘good’ mom.

Doesn’t that sound so good?

Having no self esteem means (in theory 😂) that I no longer care what others, including myself, think about me. I try with all my might to only care what God thinks about me, and that will set me free.

God wants all mothers to raise up righteous children, and find true happiness through Jesus Christ. In order to achieve this, God is willing to brutally tell you where you lack. This is a good thing.

God loves us all, but that doesn’t mean He also thinks we are all super great. There’s plenty of evil people in this world that God still loves.

Allowing yourself to acknowledge God’s love for you does NOT translate into “you’re doing fine, you are a GREAT mom, you are good enough.”

In fact, Jesus himself questioned those who called Him good, saying that only God is good. (Mark 10:18)

It is important to have an accurate self perception, and that ability comes through having a good measuring stick by which you can compare yourself to. After you have determined what truly good and honorable behavior is, then you can affirm yourself when you have accomplished the things God desires for you.

When you only care what God thinks about you, you are better able to serve.

When you forget yourself and go to work, you allow the service of others to take the forefront space of your mind. As a mother, this thinking has been impactful for me, especially considering the amount of time I sacrifice to raise my children. I have decided to allow myself to ‘lose myself to motherhood’, not thinking on the morrow, and choosing to think of my children first. Because that is what God wants.

This does not mean I neglect ‘self-care’ although I do not particularly like that term. Instead I try to use God’s word as a measuring stick to determine if whatever action I am doing is sincerely something He is okay with.

Sometimes I am bad at this, but I have learned to sacrifice many things that I would have enjoyed or made my life more convenient in order to esteem my life in the way God would.

Instead of aligning my actions with what will make me more successful, earn me more praise, or make me feel more pretty (ha), when I refrain from esteeming myself I can clear my mind and just serve. Just be a mother. Just think about the things that are most important in life. Just DO without worrying about if my efforts are ‘good enough’.

Having no self esteem is extremely hard, but it is vital for me to overcome jealousy and selfishness. Having No Self Esteem is not the same as having low self esteem, it is more accurately described as “God Esteem”, or “God-given perception”, or “biblically determined self duty and individual worth”. (Though those titles are too long to use them!)

Closing Thoughts

We live in a world that is drowning in depression, suicide, and anxiety. We also live in a world that increasingly teaches us to love ourselves ‘as we are’. I don’t profess to know all the reasons why people are prone to depression, but I can’t help but wonder if there may be some type of correlation in some cases.

Why does the message to “love yourself” not sit well in my soul? Could it be that we are chasing after the wrong things? Could it be that we are trying to fill a hole in our hearts with a false love that could never fill it? Is self focus really the thing that will make us stronger and happier people?

I’m not sure. But it seems to me that the message of the bible is not one of self love, not one of self-loathing, but one of appropriate self-observation and regulation, and mostly a message of change.

Seeing ourselves through rose colored glasses is not going to help us change and be better. In addition, fretting about what the world thinks of us can’t show us the way, either. The only opinion that matters is God’s. That’s why I don’t want to have a high self esteem, or a low self esteem, or any type of “self’ essteem at all.

I want my perception to come from God. I want my vision to come from someone who knows better than I. I want Him to tell me what He thinks I need to be, do, and change. I want to choose to only care about what He thinks of me, and not worry about anyone else, including myself.

That is why I choose to have no self esteem.

And it is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me as a mother, because now I can drown out all the noise and hone in on the one voice that matters.

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